Yesterday, in a royal takedown of a fellow Congressman's sexist comments, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez referenced the behavior of men using "our wives and daughters as shields." When I heard this, a light of recognition went off: I too have observed with confused fascination men referencing their wife and daughters when questioned on gender equality.
Now, I want to be clear there is no equivalency between Rep. Yoho's behavior and that of my male peers and leaders, many of whom have been incredible mentors and actively made their work environments more equitable and just.
That said, I would be remiss not to share this very specific recommendation to the men in my professional network, particularly in this moment when so many companies are trying to get diversity and inclusion right:
When you are faced with questions around why your team has a gender imbalance or why there aren’t more women in leadership roles, don’t respond by saying you have a wife and/or daughter!
There are a few issues with this response, but I want to highlight two main ones:
1. Having a daughter is not proof or validation that you inherently care about gender equality. You don’t fundamentally care about your daughter because she’s a woman; you care about your daughter because she is your daughter.
This is not to say your lived experiences aren’t important or that having a daughter did not drastically change your worldview. On the contrary, these “a-ha!” moments (including “first-daughter effect”) are the essential building blocks of empathy, and empathy can be the catalyst for real, meaningful change. However, truly championing gender equality (or any form of equality!) requires extending this empathy to improve the lives of people you don’t know. Having empathy for your daughter =/= having empathy for all women, all people facing discrimination, or all people in the minority.
2. Your team is remarking on perceived inaction. And yes, there is definitely an undertone of “do you even care?” in these questions. I totally get the inclination to defend yourself. But answering a question about action with a defense of your personal beliefs makes it seem like you don’t get it. After all, believing in gender equality doesn’t magically turn into more inclusive job requirements or promotion criteria. Believing something is easy. Acting in support of your beliefs is the good, hard stuff. So if you’re doing the good, hard stuff - amazing! Lead with that! Don’t do yourself the disservice of distracting from your contributions.
So please: the next time you receive this question*, point to what you are actively doing or have done to fight for gender equality in your workplace and your community. THAT is what your coworkers are interested in.
* Or any question about the lack of X group of people at your company! The same rules apply - don't jump to say "you have a Black/Latinx/LGBTQA+/disabled friend/family member."